INFORMATIVE PAGE FOR CAREGIVERS
This page contains information on topics that may be useful for parents to learn about.
Emotions or Feelings? Why do they matter?
Where I grew up, the distinction between emotions and feelings was clear. In England, however, I’ve noticed that the two words are often used interchangeably—even in therapy courses. Yet, I found that in my practice as a play therapist, understanding the difference is essential.
Emotions are immediate, instinctive, biological responses to events—chemical reactions in the body. Feelings, on the other hand, are our awareness and interpretation of those emotions, shaped by personal experiences, beliefs, and thoughts. This explains why the same emotion may be experienced so differently from one child to another—it depends on the meaning they make of it.
For a play therapist, this distinction matters. It deepens our understanding of what a child is experiencing, allowing us to guide interventions more effectively. For example, if a child expresses an emotion, we can help them make sense of their “emotional body” and begin to name it as a feeling, in line with their own experience. If a child expresses a feeling, we can explore what emotion and past experiences lie behind it. This fosters the emotional, psychological, cognitive and physiological integration of the individual.
Children often show emotions before they can verbalise feelings. Therapists who recognise this can support children in developing the ability to put words to their bodily experiences. This nurtures self-awareness and builds emotional literacy. This is why play therapists must recognise body language cues.
Put simply:
Emotions happen in the body.
Feelings happen in the mind. They are the words we use to describe what the body is telling us.
Understanding this also helps therapists avoid misinterpreting behaviour. Knowing that emotions are instinctive and biological reframes a child’s actions—not as “misbehaviour,” but as natural responses to their body’s needs. When children feel accepted rather than judged, they can begin to understand their “emotional body”, make sense of their experiences, and gradually develop self-regulation.
In conclusion:
Emotions are universal, short-lived bodily responses (like a racing heart, sweaty palms, or tense muscles). They occur before conscious thought. Feelings are longer-lasting, shaped by interpretation, culture, and environment. They are the words we use to describe emotions.
Example: Emotion: A child’s heart beats faster while playing a board game.Feeling: “I feel excited because this game reminds me of my holiday,” or “I feel tense because I always lose.”
Emotions are what the body does. Feelings are the unique meaning we give to what the body does.
What happens in Play Therapy:
Shame, Guilt or Understanding? – How are we disciplining children?
There is a consensus that we need discipline to live in society. However, in the name of this discipline, we could negatively impact children’s sense of self, which could contribute to feelings of unworthiness and poor mental health.
It is common to associate the children’s behaviour with their sense of self. “You threw the chair, you are naughty.” When this happens, the child feels ashamed of themself. In this case, shame is used to control the child’s behaviour. There is no willingness to understand the reasons behind the child’s behaviour. Once the child feels bad about themself, there is no space for connection and positive interaction. “I must be bad; I threw the chair.” After many times this happened, children create a negative view of themselves, affecting their self-esteem. As they believe in this negative view of themselves, they continue “throwing the chair”, as this is expected of them. “They are naughty anyway”. It becomes a vicious cycle.
Another way is to make the child feel guilty for their choice of behaviour. This model allows a separation between self and behaviour and might offer space for the child to talk about their behaviour. “Your behaviour was not appropriate. We are still good, and we love you.” However, it could easily become shameful: “It was my fault; I must be bad.”
I prefer to be curious and try to understand the child’s behaviour. This approach instils a sense of responsibility in the child—responsibility for relationships, especially to self. “What was going on for you when you threw the chair?” There is no judgment, just acceptance and curiosity in understanding the child’s emotions, which led them to “throw the chair”. The child feels validated in their feelings. They do not feel wrong or inconvenient. This does not mean you are being permissive. Throwing chairs is still not allowed, and you can still respect how the child feels. It means you are supporting the child in understanding what throwing the chair means for them. Only after this non-judgmental and empathetic understanding will the child be able to constructively develop a positive sense of self and make better choices because they feel worth it! After all, who has never thrown a couple of chairs before?
A Guide to a Growth Mindset
“In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.” (Dweck, 2015)
Brains can grow!!
When you learn, your brain grows.
The feeling of the task being difficult indicates your brain is growing!
Fixed mindset vs Growth mindset
Fixed mindset = talents, abilities and intelligence are fixed.
A growth mindset = talents, abilities, and intelligence can be developed.
Top tips to help your child develop a growth mindset:
1) Praise Effort Over Innate Ability:
Focus on recognising your child’s effort, strategies, progress, perseverance, and willingness to embrace challenges. Avoid emphasising fixed traits such as talent, intelligence, or being gifted. It is essential to highlight the process behind success. When this process is unclear, children may begin to believe that achievement is beyond their control. By valuing effort and learning strategies, you help build resilience and equip them with tools to navigate challenges and setbacks.
2) Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities:
Encourage the understanding that mistakes and failures are integral to learning and growth. Constructive responses might include:
“Mistakes help you improve.”
“You learned from your mistake.”
“Making mistakes is part of getting better.”
“What could you try differently next time?”
This approach fosters a positive attitude towards challenges and reduces fear of failure.
3) Harness the Power of “Yet”:
The simple addition of the word “yet” can significantly shift a child’s mindset. Phrases such as “You can’t do it yet” or “You don’t understand it yet” reinforce the idea that ability develops over time. This encourages persistence and belief in future improvement through effort and practice.
4) Ask Process-Focused Questions:
Move beyond outcome-based questions like “Did you win?” or “How many goals did you score?” Instead, ask questions that promote reflection and learning, such as:
“What challenged you today?”
“What strategies did you try?”
“What did you learn from your mistakes?”
“How did you feel about it?”
“What could you do differently next time?”
These questions help children develop self-awareness and critical thinking.
5) Use Open-Ended Questions:
Prioritise open-ended questions over closed ones to gain deeper insight into your child’s experiences. Questions beginning with “what,” “how,” “why,” “tell me about,” and “describe” encourage more meaningful dialogue and reflection.
6) Model a Growth Mindset:
Be mindful of your own attitudes and language, as children learn from observation. Your words and actions consistently communicate beliefs about learning and ability. Recognising that mindsets can evolve is key—by demonstrating a growth mindset yourself, you become a powerful role model for your children.